Break Down These Walls I've Built

I'm going to try to let you in

past all these walls I've made

I'm making no guarantees that I won't hurt you

it was a stupid promise the first time we made it

I don't know why you think its going to be easy

it won't be easy for either of us

I've been building these walls all my life

and when I was finally ready to let them down for someone

he broke my heart

which made them twice as thick

I don't see how you're going to get through

but if you can

you must be the one.

I Wish

If only it were that easy...

Be Weird

~It's okay. BE WEIRD~

♥♥♥

Doomed From the Very Start

We said we wouldn't hurt each other, but guess what? We did. I suppose we were doomed from the start with a promise like that. We knew that neither of us would be able to keep it, but yet we made it. You'd already hurt me once and I prayed you wouldn't do it again, and I thought that if we made this promise, it would make everything else go away. And I know that I was the one to hurt you this time, but you hurt me too. You said I lied to you, that I didn't even care about you. I do care, and that's why I did what I did. I knew we wouldn't work out, that I'd end up hurting you no matter what, so I chose the less painful way. I know it doesn't seem like that right now, but I promise you, it is. I want you to find that girl who will give you everything, because it's what you deserve. And no matter how much I want to be that girl, I'm just not. Every word I said to you was true, at the time, but when I put it all in perspective, we just weren't good together. We were looking for different things, I was looking for careless puppy love, and you were looking for a deep all consuming love. We just weren't in the same place, and if we'd ever been together, it wouldn't have worked out and you would have hated me all the more. I understand if you hate me right now, but at least I know I did the right thing, for me, and for you. I didn't want to hurt anymore, and I didn't want to hurt you anymore. I just couldn't. I am so sorry for everything. Truly I am. 

I Hurt You

I hurt you

and for that I am sorry

more sorry than you will ever know

I want you to know that I meant every word I said to you

I didn't lie

I want you to have a fair chance at finding that girl 

the girl who can give you all her time and love because you deserve it

but I'm not her

it's not that I don't want to try

it's the fact that I know how it ends

It'll hurt twice as much when you lose me then because you'll know you already had me

I know you don't believe me

but I am so deeply sorry

I know there isn't anything I can say or do to make it better

but know this

Not once have I lied to you

I'm being strong for the both of us and no matter how it hurts you

it hurts me just as much if not more

because I like you

I really do

but it's just not fair to you. 

What Words Describe You?

I got lovely, beautiful, and broken.

Seems about right...

I Just Don't Want to Love You.

Just when you're the last thing on my mind

and I'm thinking of other people

someone brings you up 

or says something that reminds me of you

and I can't let go

I hold tight to what we had

what we could have had

I can't get the image out of my mind

no matter how hard I try

and how often I think of someone else

I can't let go

I don't know how

But it's all I want

I want you

In my mind

nothing can compare to what we had

what I thought we had

and nothing can live up to that

I know you weren't the perfect guy

you had your imperfections

we all do

but I feel as though what we had was real

I thought you felt it too

but now I know you didn't

Please

help me let go of you

Never do I want to forget you

I just don't want to love you. 

I Cry For You

Why won't you let me go!!!! I cry for you still... 

Adorable!

I witnessed one of the cutest moments of my life today!

So during PE, there is this absolutely adorable girl who unfortunately has down syndrome. She has a crush on one of the boys in her PE class. During class she would walk around with him and talk to him, he was on crutches. When he was talking in a group of people she ran off crying. He didn't know what he did, but as she ran away he hobbled along after her on his crutches. She was standing by a tree and when he finally got there, he talked to her and made her feel better. Then they walked back together and he hugged her, said goodbye, and then she ran away with the biggest smile on her face. Adorable! 

He was the kind of guy though that everyone thought would be the last person to do something like that. It honestly made everyone like him that much more. To know that he was actually a nice guy. 

It's You and Me

"If its you and me forever

if its you and me right now

that'd be all right

be all right"

Sometimes.

"Sometimes the person you want the 

most is the person you're

best without."

Truly Mine.

I saw you

and I felt like I would cry

right then and there 

I could see myself crumbling to the ground

tears streaming down my face

calling to you

wanting you to make it better

to fix me

because everything inside me was broken because of you

and on countless nights

I'd lay awake in bed 

wondering what I'd done to deserve all this pain and hurt

wanting to make it right with myself

with you

hoping that somehow

through all that

I'd find a way to fix the broken mess you'd left behind

I wanted to be there for you

to be the one you leaned on

the on you shared your secrets with

I wanted to be the one to take away your pain

and to be the object of your love

instead of loving me

you hurt me

you broke me

fix me. 

I want you back in my life

but I don't know how to get you there 

it's been so long since we've spoken

they say that if you love something

you should let it go

and if it comes back

it was always yours

you haven't come back

you must not have ever been truly mine. 

Lights

Put up Christmas decorations tonight! I know, its a little bit late

to be starting... 

Birthday next week! Sweet 16 (:

♥♥♥

Love Is like...

"Love is like playing the piano. First you must

learn how top play by the rules, then you

must forget the rules and play

from your heart."

Hit the Lights- Selena Gomez & the Scene

Makes me want to dance!!!! (:

I'm really liking this video, and of course I love Selena Gomez! ♥

Love her glasses in the video!!

We Are Young.

Tonight

We are young

So lets set the world on fire

We can burn brighter

Than the sun

I Didn't Change.

Kind of felt like this today

Saw my friend for the first time in a long time today! I missed her. Wish we could have hung out longer.

Still Smiling? Yep!

Things are looking up, and I'm in a smiley mood! (:

Finally Found a Good Answer

The Best Love

♥♥♥♥ So cute... I want a love like that... ♥♥♥♥

I’m a lightweight

Easy to fall, easy to break

With every move my whole world shakes

Keep me from falling apart

Demi Lovato- Lightweight

If This Was a Movie...

Come back, come back, come back to me like

you could, you could if you just said you're sorry

I know that we could work it out somehow

But if this was a movie you'd be here by now

Taylor Swift- If This Was a Movie

Kind of how I felt today. How I felt around him when she was there. I didn't like it...

Why is it that deep and meaningful quotes always bring you back to reality? 

That feeling you get when you know he lied. When he didn't have enough respect for you to just say it to your face. When you find yourself in the exact same situation you've been in before. When you look back on everything and think, 

What was I thinking?

Just because I'm in a sparkly mood right now(:

Its almost Thanksgiving break and the holidays are coming soon!

Love you all<3

"Speak your mind, 

even if your voice shakes."

- Unknown

One Day...

Ours

So don't you worry your pretty little mind

People throw rocks at things that shine

And life makes love look hard

Don't you worry your pretty little mind

People throw rocks at things that shine

But they can't take what's ours

They can't take what's ours

The stakes are high, the water's rough

But this love is ours 

Taylor Swift- Ours

Harry Potter = BEST MOVIES EVER

Why are the Harry Potter movies so special?

They are just amazing and full of magical surprises and wonder. I'm watching the first one right now, and it truly is a wonderful movie. Its truly great how the cast remained the same for the entire series of movies, no sequel is good if you've got a different person playing the same character each time. I just love the Harry Potter books and the movies, the whole franchise is just amazing and I can't imagine the world without the Harry Potter wizarding world. What a nerd am I?

I picture your hands moving across the keys with graceful assurance and wonder how can anybody be so perfect? So serene?

To see the way you look down admiringly at the keys as you gently brush each one during your song

and when you've finished, you sit up straight and take a deep breath gently folding your hands in your lap and then you look to me...

11.11.11 What Will You Wish For?

11.11.11

Friday! Have any of you guys got any fun plans for the infamous 11.11.11 that we've been waiting for all year? I think I'm going to a party that my friend is having. 

Do you guys have a wish already planned out? I know I do! I definitely don't want to miss it. Where will you be on 11.11.11 at 11:11?

Life's to Short to be Anything but Happy (:

Things I am currently excited about:

• Three day weekend!
• Thanksgiving break (6 more days of school!)
• CHRISTMAS (I've been singing Christmas songs since the beginning of November)
• my new vintage cruiser bike
• winter
• my birthday (16!)

I can't really think of to many other things, but I'm sure there are more! Have a great day and be happy! 

Smile Because You Can (:

A List of things that make me smile:

• Babies (My friend as THE CUTEST baby cousin in the whole world, I mean, she is just ADORABLE)
• A Crush
• Jokes
• Memories of my trip to Hawaii
• How sometimes I act really crazy and weird
• When perfect strangers say hi (Yeah, I know, this is weird... and it definitely can be in some situations but in the one that I'm thinking about and in most others, its not THAT weird.)
• Knowing that the man I am going to marry is somewhere on this earth, and I could be seeing him everyday, but I just don't know it yet. 
• When I envision my future (working at a magazine?) 
• My friends
• My family
• My dog Molly
• My cat Mocha
• Fall
• Crunchy leaves (My favorite!)

Just because I was in that kind of mood today. Have a great weekend, and don't forget to smile! 

Sweet Sixteen?

So my birthday isn't for like three months, but I've been pondering it and the what the big deal of turning 16 is. I mean sure you get your license and all that, but what else? I feel like 18 would be a much bigger milestone...

Well anyways, that's not the point of this post. What I'm trying to get at is... I don't know how I feel about turning 16. I'm definitely not one of those girls who's like "AAHHH I'm turning 16 I'm so... OLD!!" and then begins wailing into her pillow. Ew. Definitely not like that. But a lot of pressure and a much bigger sense of responsibility comes with turning 16. Also a lot of freedom comes with that too and I'm really looking forward to that part.

I have my permit and everything so I'm set to get my license on my birthday (well a day or two after I think actually) and my mom was telling me "Alana, you need to get your license when you turn 16, you're father and I just don't have the time to drive you everywhere anymore." (My family is going through a very chaotic time right now and constantly hitching rides from my parents is beginning to take a toll). Plus all my friends either can't drive yet, or they are still 16, and in California if you are 16 you can't drive other people. I know that a lot of parents are like "Oh, you can wait to get your license" or they don't even let there kid get it until they're 18, and I think that my parents are pushing me to get my license is making it not fun. Or at least a pressure because I feel as though I'd be letting them down if I don't pass? And I know that you can retake it two weeks later, but still... that's going to be a looooong two weeks.

So do you think I'm just completely chicken for being scared to turn 16 just because of a dumb driving test? I don't do good in situations with a lot of pressure. I mean I feel like a total doofus to be afraid of that but eh... I'm sure I'll get over it, I've still got a few months! Plus I hear the drive test is easy? I hope it is...

My friend just got her license, last week I think, and she said it was an easy test and that it was just a few stop signs/lights, right/left lane changes, driving in a neighborhood, and that was it. So I have nothing to be worried about right? Besides, I think I'm a pretty good driver. But the fact of driving a three thousand pound car all alone sounds a little daunting... Plus I'm a really small person and it's hard for me to see if I'm driving a compact (Sudan style car? Sorry I'm not good with car types...) so that automatically means I've got to drive an SUV. A few weekends ago my parents and I went car shopping for the kind of car they want to get me, and I sat in all of them and it was pretty cool! I found a few cars I liked, my favorite being the 2012 Hyundai Tucson in this color or perhaps red? Who knows! It's actually pretty reasonably priced. I think it was somewhere in between twenty and 25 thousand dollars. Not tooo far off my parents budget. We'll see! I'll keep you posted (;

Fall!

There's somethin bout the way

the street looks when its just rain

there's a glow off the pavement...

So it finally rained here today! It was so amazing, the smell was amazing, I just love rain. 

Fall is finally here, I know the first day  of fall was like two weeks ago, but today is the first day it actually felt like fall, it's supposed to get warmer this week though, so it'll be back to shorts and tank tops tomorrow. Today though, was a good day though. My cousins came out and it was fun to get to see them again, always is. 

I am so excited about some new clothes I ordered from forever21.com! I got some super cute pants,  a tank top, a sweater dress, and a sweater! I'm pretty excited. 

Have a great week everybody! 

Why is there always a Taylor Swift song for whatever mood you're in? I love her!!

I Miss Him.

I passed through your city today

as I sat there I let the memories wash over me

it only seemed fitting that as we drove 

I heard those songs

thoughts of you still linger

as I feel the tires against the pavement beneath me

as we drive farther away from the city

farther and farther away from you 

Being back at school makes me think if you

Makes me wish that I'd see you when I turn the corner

but knowing only disappointment will be there to comfort me

to see that bright blue backpack 

and think for a second that you'd come back

only to see that the face belonged to somebody else

to see your best friend sitting with different people

to not see you. 

That awkward moment when your mom says that you should make a blog but you already have one...

Sophomore Year!

Oh blog, how I've missed you so!

I've been so busy ever since school started! I am trying really hard on maintaining my goals that I set during summer and I must say that I'm doing pretty good! ...With the non academic ones... My life seems to have been taken over by homework and tennis mainly. Its so tiring! Sometimes I wish I could just not do it, but I know that's not going to happen because I'm an overachiever like that...

So there were some cute guys this year, but they were all jerks or perverts. Oh the greatness of being in high school... All the boys are tools. Yay...

Last weekend we had homecoming though! It was really fun, I had an amazing time hanging out with my friends. That was also one of my goals, to make new friends this year. It seems as though I am making a lot of friends, but they are all older, whats the big deal with that? No, there isn't one. Its actually a lot of fun and I like hanging out with them, because they're a lot more like me. So yeah, the dance was fun and probably the only fun until December. I wish our homecoming hadn't been so early... Ugh. Hopefully there will be more fun dances before then.

Surprisingly though, Sophomore year is way more fun than Freshmen year was! Well, I mean, I wasn't surprised, but I was at the same time. Hard to explain, you know? I was just expecting to be really jaded on the whole high school thing, but I don't really think I am yet, and that's good. Really good.

Anyways, hopefully I'll be posting more often!

Almost.

It's always you

that one guy I can never reach

why do you have to be so irresistible?

why am I so predictable?

It's only the beginning

and I hope things can change

but I think to myself and wonder

do I really want them to?

This feeling is hard to let go of

but I know what the end will be

it's almost enough to make me let go

almost.

The Countdown... 0 Days

Summer

Late nights up with friends

Sitting by the fire roasting marshmallows

Summer

Days by the beach

And the smell of suntan lotion

Summer

Drinking pink lemonade

And eating watermelon

Summer

Long bike rides

And romantic picnics

Summer

A time for laughter

A time for smiles

Summer

A chance to transform yourself

to break free

Summer

This is what you'll always mean to me. 

The Countdown... 1 Day

Wow! 2 days left, I'm looking forward to school a little bit more now that I've gone shopping and I got some super amazing stuff! Things I can check off my list from yesterday?

• Knee high socks
• black cardigan
• cute tops
• maxi dress
• pull over sweater

So, today was an accomplishing day! 

Alas, on with my countdown! Today I will give you two lists! One of long term goals for the school year, and one of short term goals. 

Long Term:

• Dress Better
• Get good, really good, grades
• DON'T PROCRASTINATE (we'll see how long that one lasts...)
• Smell good
• STUDY for tests
• Make new friends
• Stay confident
• Wear my hair in different hairstyles other than down or straight
• Be me
• Get a boyfriend?
• Do NOT forget summer 2011
• Be proud of everything I do
• Make real varsity for tennis this year
• Do a spring sport?
• Get drivers license 
• Add variety to my life
• Do something different
• Pass Algebra 2 with an A
• Foreign exchange student?
• DON'T BE SELF CONSCIOUS
• Write. Write. Write!
• Stay fit
• Do extra credit assignments
• Play guitar again
• Wear dresses/skirts more often

Short Term Goals:

• Maintain both my blogs (I don't want to forget them during the school year.)
• Take more pictures
• Look for a job
• Keep up with my journal
• Make cute outfits out of the clothes I already have
• Eat from a taco truck
• Go to SF more
• Tone my stomach
• Get rid of tan line
• Have an awesome 16th birthday!
• Write poetry
• Get a good book!

Well that's about it! I hope you enjoyed these 2 extensive lists. More to come! 

The Countdown... 2 Days

So it's the last weekend before school starts. Yay... I've decided to do a mini countdown of the last days of summer. Include my goals for this school year, things I want for the beginning of the school year, and last thoughts on my summer. Poems, lists, inspirational things like that. Alright, so here we go! 3 days...

Clothes and accessories, as well other miscellaneous objects for the school year:

• Puffer Vest (faux fur lined hood)
• Awesome pair of destroyed jeans
• Knee high socks and tights to pair with boots
• Black Cardigan (can't believe I don't already have one!)
• Cute tops
• Maxi Skirt
• Pull over sweaters/cute long sleeves
• Infinity Scarf
• Good perfume
• Polaroid Camera
• New Phone
• Good Book
• New bedspread

I'll do my best to post a picture of my first day outfit! I have an idea of what it might be, but I'm not sure that I'm going to stick with it. I'm looking for something better, but if I can't find that, then I guess I'll be wearing what I've already chosen! 

Rock, Paper, Scissors- Strategy?

So I found this article on yahoo.com and I thought it was the most interesting thing! Who knew that you could actually win Rock, Paper, Scissors with logical reasoning and not just luck? Cool article, take a look!

How to Win at Rock, Paper, Scissors

School is Almost Here...

There is one week of summer left! Oh how quickly summer escaped my grasp...  I can't decide if I'm ready for it to be school, or if I wish that summer would continue. I mean both summer and school have their pros and cons.

Pros of School:

• More exciting social life (at least for one who hasn't got a car). You get to see your friends everyday.
• A sense of purpose? (naaahhhh)
• Lunchtime (who doesn't love lunchtime at school? It's the best!)
• Your favorite class (English!) 
• Flirting with that guy. (Come on, you ALL know who I'm talking about!) 
• Homecoming
• Buying brand new school supplies. (It's my favorite part of the new year, I love the crisp pages of a brand new notebook, the fresh erasers, perfectly working pens, new folders...)
• The best back to school outfit yet! 
• New clothes!!
• A pretty new bag to hold all your stuff!
• A clean slate! 

Pros of Summer:

• Summer camp!
• Summer romance
• Warm weather
• Great tan!
• Hang with friends anytime you want
• Sleeping in
• Staying up late
• S'mores
• Campfires
• Swimming in the pool
• Vacations to far away places
• Time
• Bikini bod
• Cutest swimsuit
• short shorts, tank tops, and flip flops

And the list goes on! Just like with everything, summer and school do have their cons... 

Cons of School:

• Those girls. You know, the ones that think they own the world. 
• Bad teachers
• Homework and projects
• Waking up early in the morning
• Annoying unattractive guys that tease you, but you know they like you. Ew... 
• Math class.
• PE

I have to say, I thought my list was going to be much longer than that, but I actually kind of like school... The worst thing for me i think is either Math class or those girls. 

Cons of Summer:

• Unbearable heat
• Being stuck in the house because you don't have a car to get you places when your parents are gone. 

And that my friends are the only cons I could think of about summer. Summer truly is an amazing three months that doesn't ever seem to be long enough. Then again, some of my favorite times happen during the school year (Christmas and New Years anyone? Not to mention my birthday!) I also do love the fashion that comes with fall and winter as well. The thought of being cozily bundled up in a jacket and boots is a very gratifying feeling... for me at least. My favorite part is sitting by my fireplace with a good book feeling the heat on my back. 

Alas, I must admit that I've got bittersweet feelings about the end of summer. I had such an unforgettable summer and I don't want any of the memories to get pushed aside by math formulas and history lessons, but I'm sure they probably will. Soon enough this summer will just be words written on a page and memories in the back of my mind. But right now, it's real. And right now, I'm holding on to that for as long as I can. 

It's been over a year

and yet I still think of you every day

I think of our memories

our laughs

our hugs

I don't know why I can't get you out of my head

You're always in the back of my mind

refusing to let me forget you

I wish I could say I hate you for it

but I can't because all I know how to do is love you. 

When I've finally made peace with myself

When I've finally let you go

and accepted things the way they are.

You always find a way to creep back into my life

into by subconscious.

Then I must start over

and learn to be without you again.

Each time it gets harder and harder to forget you. 

Stop It. Stop It! Stop It!!

He's talking to her again.

All the old feelings are returning.

It still hurts me to know that they are together.

That he left me for her. 

He just keeps going back to her.

Only her.

I should be over him by now.

But I'm just not.

I can't be. 

My brain is telling me to stop.

But my heart refuses to listen.

I just want to forget him.

All the memories. 

Everything. 

I'm done. 

This is really getting old...

Camp: The Experience of a Lifetime

So after I wrote down every detail of what I did during my two weeks at summer camp I realized that it would be just plain boring to post it here. No one is going to read it anyways, and I'm sure you couldn't care less about every detail that happened for two straight weeks. So, I am resorting to describing my experience in a few short paragraphs rather than a novel (It takes up over 20 pages in my journal, and I'm not even done yet!).

IT Crew 2011! Represent! 

Anyways, my two weeks at summer camp were simply... amazing. wonderful. magical. outstanding. fantastic. extraordinary. marvelous. And even all these adjectives don't even come close to the experience I had at camp. I found myself so comfortable with a group of 31 other teens that I had just met. We became a family, and I've been home for almost two weeks now, and yet, it doesn't feel like "home". Camp feels like my home.

Here are our lovely faces again!

I feel like us 32 teens truly grew as individuals over the course of the two weeks. We became more mature,  we had to live up to the expectations of our counselors and coordinators. We had a responsibility to the campers to give them the best experience possible. To make them want to come back. To make them see why we love camp so much, and why we keep coming back every year. Because we love it. The scenery, the fact that it is so far away from everything and everyone makes you feel as though you're living in a bubble. In your own, beautiful, perfect bubble. I don't really know how else to describe it other than that. To breath the fresh air, and be surrounded by towering trees who's branches sound as though they sing in the wind. You can hear them softly brushing... To feel the soft dirt beneath your feet. Indescribable.

If you look really close you can see a person up there!
No joke. 

The caption for this on Facebook
was "Giant meets dwarf"
so true... 

We learned how to solve conflicts between kids, taught them how to interact with each other, how to be a good role model for them, and to lead them in group activities. Also we learned how to organize an event and how to lead a group to finish the task quickly and efficiently. Our counselors trusted us to organize, decorate, and host a talent show, a dance, and a carnival. I especially had fun this year more so than my previous years at camp, because being an L.I.T. (leader in training) actually gave me a purpose for being at camp. The experience was more fulfilling because I knew that I was making a difference for all those kids that were at camp those two weeks. That I was facilitating those campers in having as good of an experience that I was. Some of the kids were truly wonderful human beings. The way they would look at you and you knew that they looked up to you so much. And that they were appreciative towards you. That they wanted to be your friend. That they accepted you no matter who you were, what you wore, what you looked like. And that is the most amazing gift I think one human can receive from another. The gift of unconditional acceptance.

Two of the most amazing people I met at camp! 

Here we are again!

As for the 31 other people I spent most of my time with, they were all individuals that all had their own skills to bring to the table. Whether it be for helping us decorate for the dance or the talent show. Or for coming up with good games for the carnival. There was so much diversity in our group. People of all different races, people from different backgrounds, rich people, poor people, tall people, short people etc. We even had two boys from Germany (which were VERY cute if I may say so myself! And yes, I did do a little bit of flirting. It was successful might I add.) and another boy who traveled all the way from Thailand! This provided us insight on the way other people live, and insight on cultures other than American. I made some really good friends during my stay at YMCA Camp Jones Gulch, and I really hope to maintain them until next year. I am planning on being a C.I.T. (counselor in training) next year and then after than a J.C. (junior counselor) and perhaps after that, I can be a counselor.

Acting silly at the Carnival!

Another amazing girl I met at camp!

Yes, there are two people.
Yes, there is one jacket. 

Somewhere Only We Know- Keane 

This was pretty much our camp motto, camp song, camp everything. It truly is somewhere only we know, and we love it.