I've Hit a Wall

There are so many things that I feel I have to say, but I don't know how to put any of them on paper. I feel like I can't even be inspired anymore.

It's not that everything is so bleak and that I can't find the inspiration... It's just that once I go to write, I can't let myself go the way I used to. I'm blocking myself from feeling that raw emotion I need to be able to write something worth anything.

It's beyond frustrating.

You wouldn't believe the amounts of drafts I have of starting off so strong and then it just stops. That's it. It forever remains unfinished because I won't let myself go there I can't get to that place.

I know why I've built up this wall, but I don't know how to get through it.

Sometimes Denial is Your Best Friend

Sometimes it's just easier to deny than to accept.

I know it may be unhealthy, but unfortunately I think it's one of my biggest defense mechanisms. In times of great sorrow and uneasiness it's just easier for me to block it out, put up a wall and refuse to acknowledge it.

I think that's why I haven't written about it yet, or even written about anything since it all started. I can't. I refuse. My mind just physically won't let me go there.

Pain is scary.

I'm not one of those people who can easily share with others and expose myself. I put up a front. I fake being okay and happy when really on the inside I'm not. I'm a good actress I must admit.

It's been hard because instead of going to someone else to get out my feelings, I write about them. But recently I haven't even been able to do that. I just suppress it. Just like what I'm doing now I can't even say it. I can't type it. Because then that means it's real.