I've Hit a Wall

There are so many things that I feel I have to say, but I don't know how to put any of them on paper. I feel like I can't even be inspired anymore.

It's not that everything is so bleak and that I can't find the inspiration... It's just that once I go to write, I can't let myself go the way I used to. I'm blocking myself from feeling that raw emotion I need to be able to write something worth anything.

It's beyond frustrating.

You wouldn't believe the amounts of drafts I have of starting off so strong and then it just stops. That's it. It forever remains unfinished because I won't let myself go there I can't get to that place.

I know why I've built up this wall, but I don't know how to get through it.

Sometimes Denial is Your Best Friend

Sometimes it's just easier to deny than to accept.

I know it may be unhealthy, but unfortunately I think it's one of my biggest defense mechanisms. In times of great sorrow and uneasiness it's just easier for me to block it out, put up a wall and refuse to acknowledge it.

I think that's why I haven't written about it yet, or even written about anything since it all started. I can't. I refuse. My mind just physically won't let me go there.

Pain is scary.

I'm not one of those people who can easily share with others and expose myself. I put up a front. I fake being okay and happy when really on the inside I'm not. I'm a good actress I must admit.

It's been hard because instead of going to someone else to get out my feelings, I write about them. But recently I haven't even been able to do that. I just suppress it. Just like what I'm doing now I can't even say it. I can't type it. Because then that means it's real.

Summer Boys

I got it, I got what I wished for: a summer boy. We spent nights under the stars and driving recklessly down deserted roads, kissing and looking for shooting stars... endless conversations, really getting to know each other.

But it has come to an end and I must let go because, after all, he was just a summer boy.

This Summer I Want...

New take on my summer bucket list. Hello Summer 2013!!!

I'll probably add things as summer continues. But for now, enjoy and happy summer!

All pictures from: http://1000thingsiwant.tumblr.com/

Experimental Poetry

In my English class we wrote experimental poems where we chose random words and strung them together trying to make sense of the madness. Mine was picked out of Jerry Spinelli's Stargirl, one of my favorite books. It's an action and reaction kind of poem. In my mind, Stargirl is acting a certain way, and the school population is reacting in their own way. 

Stargirl

Moved, dramatic, giver, watcher, ukelele, sunflower

Summer-tanned faces, staring, buzzing

Marooned, Hot Seat, interesting, strumming, singing, bobbing

Boggled, stone silence, single

Marching, strutting, twirling

Disbelief

Freckles, no makeup, doe eyes

Unreal, actress, scam, nutcase

Bold, smiling, strumming, singing

Plant, expose, hoax, fake

Unchanged, survive, dancing, moonlit hour, REAL

Carraway

Summer Playlist

You know those songs? The ones that just scream summer and you just want to blast them through your speakers on a hot summer day with the windows rolled down as you speed down the freeway. Well here are a few of my favorite songs for this summer.

• Clarity- Zedd (feat. Foxes)
• On Top of the World- Imagine Dragons
• Little Talks- Of Monsters and Men
• Alive- Krewella
• Young and Beautiful- Lana del Ray
• Next to Me- Emeli Sandé
• I Love It- Icona Pop
• Get Lucky- Daft Punk (feat. Pharrell Williams)
• The Other Side- Jason Derulo 

Summer Countdown

Summer is just three days away and I'm counting down the seconds. This weekend I had my first taste of summer and I have high expectations for this coming one! I can't wait to be laying by the pool, reading my favorite fashion and beauty magazines and hanging out with my friends late into the cool summer mornings. I just have to get through the next three days and one final. Unlike last summer, this summer is as full as can be! In addition to my internship and tennis I'll be going on several vacations including a cruise, a trip to L.A. and a trip to Florida. Also, I'm going to be going to a couple concerts, One Direction, and Taylor Swift. I seriously can't wait!!! This summer will be so nice to just get away and get some space from some people and become closer with others. Looking forward to a wonderful next three months under the sun!

Close to the Edge

♥♥ Some words I'll be living by this summer and my senior year ♥♥

I Will Always Care for You

I miss you so much. Even though I can feel myself moving on, 

I still think about our wonderful memories and experiences.

I will never forget the time we spent together

the amazing feeling you could give me with a single smile.

I still love you

and I know I will love you for a long, long time

but I can learn to be happy again on my own

Thank you for everything you've given me

and all the lessons you've taught me

about the real world, and even about myself

you helped me find who I am

and for that I will be forever grateful.

A little part of me will always love you, 

but I must say goodbye. 

photo from: lelove.blogspot.com

A List of Songs I Currently Enjoy

• Valentine- Kina Grannis
• Can't Hold Us (feat Ray Dalton)- Macklemore and Ryan Lewis
• Stay (feat Mikky Ekko)- Rihanna 
• I Love It (feat Charli XCX)- Icona Pop
• Heart Attack- Demi Lovato
• Feel This Moment (feat. Christina Aguilera)- Pitbull 
• Carry On- Fun.
• Troublemaker (feat. Flo Rida)- Olly Murs
• Alive- Krewella

Time and Space

Maybe we haven't worked out yet because I haven't given you time 

I haven't given you the time to miss me yet 

To feel the loss that you made me feel

I've always been there, waiting

And maybe that's what the problem was

Maybe we just need space from each other

To figure out what we really want

Because I really think we could have something special again

But I can't force to realize it

You have to do that yourself

The True Value of a Moment

"Sometimes you will never know the true value of a moment until it becomes a memory."

Brave Enough to Say Goodbye

If you're brave enough to say goodbye, life will reward you with a new hello

-Paulo Coehlo

Concrete Jungle

As said famously by Jay-Z and Alicia Keys:

New York, concrete jungle where dreams are made of

Now you're in New York

There's nothin' you can't do

These streets will make you feel brand new

Big lights will inspire you

Let's hear it for New York, New York,

New York

I'm hoping this infamous song will remain true for me too. Wanting to get into the fashion industry and possibly writing for a big name magazine, I have set my sights on New York City. As the Communications capitol of America, I know it would be a fantastic place to begin the rest of my life.

I've always known I wanted to live in a big city. When I was in elementary school it was San Francisco, I used to go there all the time with my parents and I fell in love with the city atmosphere. Freshman year of high school I discovered fashion. I had known I wanted to be a writer, but I finally found what I wanted to write about. 

On a trip to L.A. with my mom and cousin, we decided to take a walk down Rodeo Drive. After that, it was a done deal for me. Walking into all the designer stores and looking at all the impeccably made clothes gave me a different outlook on life, honestly. I left the trip enlightened and inspired. That's how I knew. From that point, I decided that I wanted to go to college in L.A. Of course, touring the UCLA campus made me want to be there even more! 

I would still love to be in L.A. but I've been doing research on the industry and I just think there are so many more opportunities for me in New York. I'll get the best of the best teaching, and internships. Plus, since I will already be in New York, I can start networking and "paying my dues". I know it takes a lot of work to get to the top and I want to start as soon as possible, no delay! 

To Tell, or Not to Tell? That is the Question.

Throughout my whole life I have always expressed an interest in writing. I always had a journal and logged all the most recent events and feelings of the week, day or month. Over the summers I would write stories and put them all together in a binder and show them to my parents at the end, relating all my wonderful adventures. They loved it, and I love showing them.

Now, in high school, I find that I have even less time to be inspired and write everything down, but somehow I still try and make it work. Although my journal entries have become shorter, I believe they are filled with more raw emotion. I wouldn't call it angst, per say, but definitely an intensity that was never there before (I mean, I used to write about my hot tub bubbling over when I was little). I love writing about being a teenager and it has always given me a creative and emotional outlet. From the lowest moments of my life, to the highest, I have always documented them with pen and paper or hand and keyboard. In my eyes, I see it as making memories that I can look back on. Memories I can show my children one day, because I believe that my teenage years will not be years to be forgotten. I want to be able to remember everything.

On many occasions my mom has suggested that I begin a blog. She doesn't know I already have one. Now that I am a junior in high school and well on my way to a good college (hopefully) I have a college counselor. Last night, in one of my meetings with her, she also suggested I start a blog. She wanted me to try out different mediums of writing. My major for college is going to be a Communications major, but I'm putting emphasis on journalism. As more people are turning to the web now than ever, she thought it would be a fun experience to try writing and have my voice heard. I told her I would think on the idea and possibly start one in the summer when I had more time... and something to blog about. I didn't tell her I already had one either.

So should I tell? Should I go public with my blog to my friends and family? I have kept it a secret for the three years I've had it (as of April 7th, happy birthday blog!) I don't know why I have never told anyone... mostly for fear of being judged? Of people looking at my writing and saying, "You want to be an editor? What? Not with that technique!" Plus, I also didn't want the people at my school to know I had one either, because there is a personal relationship I have built with my blog, and I don't want that to get ripped to shreds by other inconsiderate teenagers.

To Tell, or not to Tell?

  

I Love You. Simple As That.

Something I wrote about him. A long long time ago. 

"I love you"

I've felt the words on the tip of my tongue all this week

I've wanted to tell you but somehow my mouth just wouldn't form the words

I don't know why I can't say it, but I know I feel it

I can't make that final jump.

I guess I feel like if I say it I'll fall. 

Fall and fall and fall

I'm scared that you won't be there to catch me

even though you've told me you loved me, im scared

scared of what the words mean

scared that it means something different to me than it means to you

scared that once I say it I won't be able to stop

scared that once I say it you'll hurt me

I don't like the feeling of being vulnerable

but if I don't feel vulnerable, how can I let you in?

That's just it

If I don't say it, I can't. 

And if I can't let you in, there's no guarantee that you will stay

and I want you to stay because I love you 

I feel it in my heart

every cell in my brain screams it 

My mouth just can't say it. 

I love you. Three words. That's it. 

I'll find a way to tell you, I know I will. 

I've Gone Mobile!

Hey! So I can post from my phone now because I downloaded the blogger app! Maybe this means I will be posting more often:) I'll have to keep it short and sweet though.

Aspire to Inspire

I've been feeling inspired lately, especially by fashion. I really want to start blogging more and getting my voice out there and heard through any and every social media platform I can. Whether it's through pictures or words. And it's not like I have something extremely important to say, it's just that I feel like there's SOMETHING I need to say. Something that has been bubbling up inside me and it just needs to escape.

I've recently moved into a different and much bigger room in my house. I redecorated it myself and honestly it's my dream room. I also just got out of a long term relationship, and it's also the start of a new year. I've been feeling this necessity of change. Even though my year didn't start exactly the way I wanted to, it's never to late for a new beginning, in my opinion. As I've been feeling pretty down as of late I feel like I'm just starting to come out of it and I feel as though being inspired is why. I've been putting my voice out there and letting it be expressed though the clothes I wear, the pictures I post on sites like Instagram, Tumblr, Trendabl (new platform I just joined it's like the fashion only Instagram and I LOVE it), and of course here on blogger. There's something inspiring in knowing that you're voice is being heard, even by just a few people.

Also, I've decided on a new self motto. "Aspire to Inspire". Because really that's all I want to do in life. I want to inspire others. I want to inspire that girl in the corner who draws in her notebook to stand up and express herself freely. I want to inspire that boy with a dream to carry out that dream. I just want to inspire anyone I can.

Feeling good right now, and I really hope this feeling will last. Happy new year everyone! Hope you have an inspirational 2013 :)

You Are the Reason

When you can't live with him, but you sure as hell can't live without him...

What Is Love?

Love is more than just a four letter word. It's an form of being. A state of mind.

Love is walking on air, getting butterflies every time you see him. Holding hands and playing footsie. It's kissing under the stars and being each other's best friend.

Love is always having someone to rely on, to know there's always someone there to pick you up when you're down. 

Love is feeling comfortable around them, being able to let them see, really see, you. Even when you're at your lowest point. 

Love is opening yourself up to someone, even if you want to be closed, loving with no fear and letting yourself be loved in return.

They Say We're too Young to Love...

"They say we're to young to love, but maybe they're too old to remember"

-Whiz Kalifa 

Happy Birthday America!

So this week was Fourth of July! The 4th wasn't that amazing for me really, it was the third that really made my fourth! My family and I took my boyfriend to go see some fireworks a few towns away and it was a really magical evening.

The night started out a little stale and we didn't really have anything to do leading up to the fireworks, but once they got started, the night sky was lit up! The fireworks were so incredible and I saw some that I'd never even seen before. It was so fun though to be able to look next to me and see such an amazing boy with me who makes me so insanely happy and to feel his warmth and his kiss. Made my night, truly did. 

We had quite the adventure on the way back to the car though, I seriously thought we were going to get lost!! It was so fun though and it was quite exhilarating. I had no clue how to get back to the car, but my boyfriend claimed "I'm a guy, I always know where I'm going." Suuuccchhh a guy thing to say! Anyways, it ended up that I was the one who knew where we were going, he knew the general direction though, I'll give him that. It was so fun though because we were running on the side of the road next to cars, and then we were running through parking lots, back alleys and across streets together, holding hands. It felt like something straight out of a movie. I loved it! It was an amazing night and it was all the better because I got to spend it with him. 

The Soundtrack to My Summer

A small list of songs that I have been and will be listening to this summer! Enjoy(:

• Hit the Lights- Selena Gomez
• Call Me Maybe- Carly Rae Jepsen
• We Are Young- Fun
• Some Nights- Fun
• What Makes You Beautiful- One Direction
• I Want- One Direction
• One Thing- One Direction
• Payphone (feat Wiz Khalifa)- Maroon 5
• Wild Ones (feat Sia)- Flo Rida
• Starships- Nicki Minaj
• Lights- Ellie Goulding
• Feel So Close- Calvin Harris
• Give Your Heart a Break- Demi Lovato
• As Long As You Love Me (feat Big Sean)- Justin Bieber
• Be Alright- Justin Bieber

My Summer Anthem

There are a lot of songs out there that I'm loving for summer! But there is one that stands out among the rest; "Hit the Lights" by Selena Gomez. I know this is an old song from LAST summer, but I love it so much that it has become a true anthem to me not only during summer, but the rest of the year as well. To me it embraces the "Y.O.L.O" and "Carpe Diem" phrases in song. It's about living it up and living in the moment, so I really enjoy it. Plus, I just love Selena Gomez. What's your summer anthem?

Hit the Lights- Selena Gomez

Some People Care too Much...

Thank you Winnie the Pooh! You have quite the way with words(;

Summer Bucket List!

Go to a midnight premiere

Go to the drive ins

Feel confident in a bikini

Go to the lake

Kiss under the stars

Have an evening picnic

Watch the sun set

Ace my internship

Go to a concert

Go night swimming

Stay out late

Drive with my windows down and the radio blasting

Look CUTE

Eat frozen yogurt a lot

Have fun with my exchange student

Live by a summer song

Be productive

Write write write

Read lots of books

Midnight kiss

Go crazy for one night. Let loose and have fun!

Hang out with friends

SAT's

Be young, be wild, be free

But most importantly BE ME! ♥

IT'S SUMMER!!!

I want to have a perfect summer, with lots of sunshine and someone special.

Countdown to Summer: 1 DAY!!!!

Just one more half day of school until the beauty of summer. Gunna be looking forward to...

Beach sand, perfect tans. Day walks, night talks. Sleepless nights, pillow fights, and spending every day with those who matter most.

Countdown to Summer: 2 Days!!

He’s my summer boy and summer boys are the only thing certain. You can trust that they’ll always be back…because they loved you in the time when you were most free.